My Darling *Soldier*,
I want to caution you before you get into the bulk of my letter today... if you're in a bad mood or need something uplifting to read, please don't read this letter until a later time when you can approach what I have to say with an open and understanding heart. If you do choose to proceed, keep in mind the following: I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else before, and that remains true still. I want a long-term (life-long, in fact) relationship with you, and I believe that to get there sometimes the road will be bumpy. Finally, I am committed to you, so regardless of how I feel, I'm not giving up unless you force me to. I may not always be happy with everything that happens in our relationship, but there is always an underlying desire to stay by your side. In complete disclosure-- the way I approach our relationship is with the same commitment I would if we were already married. I know you may not do the same for me, and that hurts sometimes, but just know that that's where I'm coming from. That all being said, I understand perfectly well that we love each other, deeply. I'm very grateful for that, and am holding on to that right now because of how the phone call today went... the first part of it was really super great, talking about your training and hearing a few stories from you... getting some business done (with the watch info and stuff)... and then the discussion about the pictures, and money, got brought up... and that developed into something I had wanted to avoid. I know you wanted to avoid it also since you kept repeating, "I REALLY don't want to talk about it right now." Yes, well, I didn't either... AND I successfully avoided it on the phone the week before when I said "I don't want to talk about money stuff on the phone." I knew it wouldn't be an easy topic of discussion, which is why I wrote out exactly what my situation was, financially, in a letter last week... Looking back, I wish I had just said "No, I'm sorry, I will not have the $90 for the pictures at graduation. Yes, I do intend to pay you back." ... but it was your attitude (i.e. "are you EVER going to pay me back?" and "Great. Now I can't call my parents.") that really bothered me, and is the reason I feel the need to write this letter. I had intended to continue to delay this conversation, but you brought up the $90 picture cost, again, so to explain why I was financially strapped required me to bring up the other financial concerns that I'd been holding back for weeks... First of all, I am spending at least 90% of the money that I am making right now on YOU (or on things related to YOU, or related to me continuing to live in Washington to be with YOU, etc)-- if not more. By that I mean, for example, going to Oklahoma to see YOU graduate, storing YOUR things in Washington (along with mine, yes, but a lot of it is yours), buying stamps and envelopes to write to YOU, saving up for a plane ticket to allow me to spend Christmas with YOU... and I just don't even know if I have enough to do all of that. All this financial strain is after a few YEARS of paying for DATES and FOOD and GAS, etc, etc etc, all for YOU! Sometimes... true love requires sacrifice... and I've been doing a lot of sacrificing over the course of our relationship... especially lately, and a lot of it is at the hands of your decision to join the Army. I support your decision, but understand that it hasn't been easy for me financially OR emotionally. I would be at least a little more comfortable financially if it weren't for all the money I've poured into this relationship... and I'm not complaining, that's just a statement of fact. If I had to do it all over again, I would, and I know you are not me, and might not behave exactly the same way with your money... but I am so frustrated by the fact that mere minutes after you instruct me to buy you a sterling silver watch, you balk at the idea of buying-- or even HELPING me buy the plane ticket so we can be together for Christmas. I'm not even sure if you understand just how much that hurts me! I know you're trying to save money, I am proud of you for that, and I think you should save as much as you can... but where are your priorities? What is more important? Me? or Money? Also, the plane ticket, if I bought it today, would only be $242 plus tax, (although that amount will go up the longer I have to wait to buy it) not "$800" as you were saying... maybe you were thinking I was asking you for almost a thousand dollars or something? But no, what I'm asking for is for HELP paying for a plane ticket so we can be together... because if you aren't willing to help at all then we're going to have to spend that break apart. I simply WILL NOT be able to afford it on my own... I am willing to do anything and everything within my power, but I just don't have the money to do it all like I had hoped. So, I don't know how much more plain I can be about it... if you're OK with spending Christmas with everyone that you love EXCEPT ME, then don't do anything, and that's what will happen. Yes, you mentioned spending Christmas at Ft. Huachuca... and in response, I offered to drive you. I probably CAN afford the gas to get to Ft. Huachuca and back to Texas... but you've been offered a FREE plane ticket! How wonderful for you! How can you turn that down? How nice it must be to have people who love you SO much that they're willing to shell out several hundred dollars just to be with YOU! :l
So, now you have a decision to make. If we understand that you're going to be in Washington for Christmas... and your family isn't going to spring for MY plane ticket... how are we going to spend those two precious weeks together? Or is that really not important to you? I was really just shocked at how you responded to me today... I really thought I meant more to you than anything else in this world... but it seems as if I was wrong. It seems like money is what matters most to you, and that hurts me more than you know. I hope you don't perceive this letter as "passive aggressive," as I've been quite up front and honest about how I feel. Perhaps my expectations that you would be willing to contribute financially were unreasonable... but after careful consideration, I have come to an important conclusion:
I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think being together for Christmas-- when it's the only 2 week break for an entire 7 month span-- is an important thing to spend money on.
It is my deepest hope that, after careful consideration, you will decide that you're not that someone... and that you are someone who would work with me in doing whatever it takes to figure out a way to spend those two weeks together.
An alternative option would be to NOT pay for anything, decline the ticket offer from your family, and allow me to come pick you up so you can spend Christmas in Texas. I think you'll find that the less favorable option since it means you wouldn't be able to see your other friends or family-- but it is an option which would allow us to be together AND would not require you spending ANY of your own money. I'm still completely willing to do that if you so choose. Let me know when you reach a decision, please, or if you have any alternative ideas to offer. I'm willing to work with you to reach a solution we can both agree on!!! Furthermore, I will continue writing my letters faithfully, because I love you-- still as much as I ever have. And because I'm committed to you, I intend to do my part to make this relationship work. I thank you for everything you HAVE done for me, for all the letters, for the welcome letter and graduation packet, etc. You mean everything to me, and even though it broke my heart earlier to hear that you might not be willing to sacrifice even a little bit to help me... I really hope that you'll come through for me, to show me through your actions that you really do love me as much as I believe that you do... and do so with a loving and selfless heart.
Your Hopeful Cherub,
Cherry Girl <3
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