Dear *Soldier*,
I'm tired. :( I spoke with you today on the phone, and while I was thrilled to talk to you (really, I was!!!) it was a little bit frustrating. I have so much I need to talk to you about... finances, plans, decisions... all of which are things we need more than 10 minutes to discuss so I don't bring them up in the phone call. All I want to say is that I've been taking care of your finances as we discussed. Your bank account checking balance is $200, savings is $500, Betterment is $1,341.59. You've earned $16.88 at this current moment. All I will say is I'm going to be totally broke after the trip to Oklahoma. The gas is expensive and I've had to pay for storage (ongoing), gas, and food since getting to Texas as well. Even with the help mom and dad are giving me, I am really terrified that I'll be stretched too thin to buy a plane ticket for Christmas (unless I can find a REALLY cheap deal one month before... doubtful) let alone pay you back for the rent you paid to Jenny or the pictures... I'm happy you got a comprehensive package but $90 is... well, a lot. The memories will last you forever, and I definitely want everything you described over the phone, so it's fine... I find a way to pay for it eventually. I still owe Jenny like $150 too. So, needless to say I feel kind of like I'm drowning financially and I hate it. I just want the cert done so I can raise my prices and make money a bit more easily... as it stands, I can't promise I'll be there for Christmas. I can promise I'll do my best. Mom and Dad have clearly stated they will not help me get there and I cannot guarantee I'll have the money to get up there. I WILL be there for graduation. I WILL finish my certification. Those are the things I'm focused on achieving right now. Beyond that, who knows. I hadn't wanted to say anything about it because I didn't want to stress you out at all... I know money matters are stressful and frustrating, so please don't worry about it right now. Just focus on what you're doing, stay safe, keep your soft marshmallow heart. Show me some love and kindness, even if you can only spare 10 minutes to say you care. I still love you, and I need you now more than ever. I need a hug, a kiss... some cuddling. I need to feel your warmth, in more ways than one. I need my Sunbear. :( I'm not sure how I'll make it through a whole 'nother week without any letters... I hate knowing for sure there's not one coming tomorrow... it'll be the first time MORE than a week passed since a letter came. That makes me feel sick to my stomach. I want the best for you, I think of you all the time, and I'm constantly wishing and hoping and praying that we'll make it through this. I'm prepared for the long haul... I'm just waiting for you to join me for the journey. :P I can't wait to reconnect with you. We've never gone this long without speaking (since we met, even) and it's absolutely killing me inside...
Oh, one important thing. On the phone today, I said it was mean when you said, "Good job not crying." I felt like... well... that's a part of me. And you're telling me "Good job not being so... you." (Like Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon), lol... So, I hope you can understand now how it hurt my feelings... I thought you cherished who I was, crying included. I hope you realize I cried last week, and today, because of how deeply and sincerely I love you. I don't think it's an accomplishment to not cry... I think it's good to remain intelligible, but for me, not crying would mean not caring... and I certainly hope that's not what you want...
I also hope when you said it felt like your birthday to get your phone, that speaking with me is included in those good feelings! I know I floundered a ton on the phone... I was actually totally nervous! When I write to you, I know you can't respond for a while (or at all, it seems...) but on the phone you're... right there. And I only have a few short minutes! There's way more pressure, lol. It's hard to describe, but it feels strange. Like I go into shock and I can't think straight because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion or something... I hope that goes away quickly when we're together again in person. I miss our closeness. I miss your light. I accept all of you and I love you completely and unconditionally. Stay soft inside, ok?
Your Babes,
Cherry Girl <3
p.s.
I'm including a page of blank paper and an envelope w/ stamp & everything. I know you said you're super busy but I beg you, just write a few sweet words for me... It's getting harder and harder to hold on with every progressive day with no letter or anything. I need to know that you still think about, and want, a future with me. I love you so much and I always will. I can't keep these creeping fears & doubts away sometimes about YOUR feelings. People break up so often after deployments & stuff... I need to know that you're just as interested in getting through this as I am... that our separation pains you too. Are you with me on this?
Looking forward to that joyful moment when I see that letter from the man I LOVE MOST IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (Psst. It's You.) <3
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